How to Make Your Relationship Work
My wife and I have been married for just under 2 years, and it’s because we are still so fresh into our marriage that I feel we need to set good foundations so that we can weather the future together.
Probably no one knows what the real stats on marriage divorces are and we’ve probably all heard stories on how someone’s marriage ended up in divorce because of some obvious or preventable situation.
I’m not sitting around to let that happen to my marriage.
My wife and I had just watched “Marriage Story” on Netflix, starring Scarlett Johannson and Adam Driver. It was written by Noah Baumbach and I loved the movie. Both Johannson and Driver were amazing in the film.
However, after watching the film, I felt emotionally drained. Throughout the movie, there were just so much pent up emotions, unspoken expectations and anger in the characters.
Right from the get-go, we saw Nicole (Scarlett Johannson) crying herself to sleep after speaking to Charlie (Adam Driver). They worked together in a theatre and had just celebrated their final show together.
I immediately caught myself saying:
“Oh come on, just tell him what you feel already!”
“Isn’t this how all dramas develop?”
But then, I realised that in life things are not as straight forward as there are many factors working for and against us, influencing our decisions, emotions and judgements.
Coming right out of the movie, I penned the following advice to my future self to avoid myself falling into the same trap as Nicole and Charlie.
Be Loud
I think the main issue in many marriages is unspoken expectations.
Assumptions never help. Whether we realise it or not, we all have expectations on other people (maybe even higher expectations on our partners).
Maybe we don’t articulate our expectations because we have bought into the romantic and dangerous idea of our partner being someone who can read our minds and body language.
This just isn’t true for most people and it isn’t fair on each other.
If you have something on your mind: speak up, be loud.
Maybe your partner might be able to sense what you want occasionally based on some observable habit or pattern. But when it comes to serious and emotionally charged matters, it is difficult to anticipate or read the situation correctly all the time.
Case in point:
Recently, my wife brought up a matter to my attention. She had noticed that a female acquaintance of ours seems to act a little differently around me and she is uncomfortable with that.
She could have kept mum on the matter and wished it away. Instead, she brought it up and we talked about it. In this case, I had also noticed what she noticed and we both agreed on a way to handle the situation together.
Not only did that experience help me see what matters to her, but it also became a rallying point for us to draw closer. Be loud.
Be selfish
This one is counter-intuitive. Maybe there are moments you feel like you’re the only one making sacrifices in the relationship. Or your desires and needs are not being met. Maybe you feel that you are always the one to put your loved ones first.
I think there’s nothing inherently wrong with feeling that way. In fact, I believe that the purest expression of love is self-sacrificial love.
But I also think it is important that your desires and expectations are met so that the relationship is fulfilling for both of you.
We are all emotional and relational beings and those emotional and relational tanks need filling up when it’s depleted.
When we are always the one sacrificing, it feels as though the tank is never replenished and we survive on borrowed energy. Consequently, we end up being resentful toward our partner.
So be selfish once in a while. Think of what matters to you and communicate those to your partner. Be loud. It’s important for him or her to know that you are also a being just like them who have desires and needs to be fulfilled.
Case in point
Last month, I had been spending more time on my computer at home in the evening than before. That is how I recharge at home. But that is not the case for her. Her emotional tank is filled up when I spend time with her, either chatting or just doing stuff together.
So what did she do? She took the initiative to communicate her needs to me so that I am aware of it. And on top of that, she communicated it in a graceful and playful manner so as to not hurt my ego (God bless her).
She made it a point to be a little selfish and it made all the difference.
Be Skeptical
By this, I mean: “Be skeptical with the status quo”. When things seem to be going on “fine” for some time, be skeptical about it.
“Is this all to our relationship?”
“Have we grown comfortable with each other to the point of taking each other for granted?”
Yes, we all have routines that we need to follow daily and routine is a lifesaver. It saves us time and energy not having to rethink everything daily. But if how we spend time with each other have also slipped into a brainless routine, then it pays to be skeptical of the routine once in a while.
Reflect on your routine with your partner for the past month or quarter. Have you done anything differently at all?
Have you settled for routine and are now living like roommates instead of soul mates?
Case in point
I usually do the cooking at home, so once I asked her to do it instead and offered to guide her through the process. That helped break the monotony a little as we both try to see things from a different perspective.
However, just switching the routine around won’t work that well if one partner ends up criticizing the other!
I observed my reactions and noticed how I was impatient at times. That one switch in routine helped me see her in a new light and forced me to deal with my prejudices and criticisms.
This made me think that switching contexts is all the more important because when we are set in our routine, we respond without thinking and often that means we allow criticisms to come out unfiltered.
That wouldn’t do good to any relationship.
Main takeaway
For me, a relationship is all about being intentional.
No, I am not always intentional about it, but that is the whole reason for this article in the first place: to remind myself to be that.
We can become complacent and comfortable in relationships when things are predictable.
So to prevent that, be intentional in your relationship by being loud about your expectations, being selfish about meeting your needs and being skeptical about the status quo.
Creative Lead by day, writer by night, husband and dad throughout. I write about things that interest me and lessons I’ve learnt. My views are my own. Check out other things I’ve written.
